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I am about to turn in what is possibly the snarkiest and least subtle work I’ve ever written for a class. They can’t fire me, right? I mean, I answered the question fully. I completed the assignment. (And I am feeling so smug and pleased with myself that I doubt a single F could burst my bubble anyway.)

Here. Read this assignment:

On a separate sheet of paper, analyze the evidence for Shaniqua, indicating why she isn’t the best choice for Taylor.

TS: When it comes to looks, Diane and Shaniqua are both attractive, but Diane is the better choice for Taylor.

I: Diane looks like a beauty pageant winner.

E: With her her long beautiful blonde hair and luscious blue eyes she is certainly a winner in the looks category. Her build is athletic yet curvy and, at 5’4”, she is the perfect height for a stroll along the lakeshore with Taylor.

A: Being seen with such an attractive girl will make Taylor feel special: after all, this beautiful young lady is holding his hand while they stroll. In addition, as an athlete, Taylor will enjoy having a partner who, if not actually an athlete, at least looks like one. Choosing Diane will be a great decision for Taylor.

I: Shaniqua, on the other hand, is attractive but in an unusual way.

E: At 6’8” she carries her purple hair well, and her muscular build makes her quite the standout. Her big brown eyes contrast nicely with her hair, giving her a striking look.

And my answer? For why Taylor should choose Diane? Here:

Because college freshman Taylor Lastname is deeply concerned with what his peers think of him (and because he chooses his girlfriends based solely on their looks), petite, blonde, conventionally pretty Diane is a much better choice for Taylor than tall, striking, athletic Shaniqua. Taylor is most interested in how his girlfriend’s looks can benefit him, so it makes sense for Taylor to pursue a relationship with Diane, as the size and proportions of her body will only highlight Taylor’s own athletic frame. Shaniqua it too tall and strong for Taylor’s taste, and Taylor isn’t interested in being emasculated by dating a woman whose muscles are larger than his. Also, with her purple hair, Shaniqua’s confidence attracts attention wherever she goes, and Taylor prefers that people direct their attention to him at all times, even on romantic strolls. In Taylor’s mind, outer beauty and conformity is incredibly important, which is why Diane is the best choice for him.

Now, I’m not here to devalue any woman, especially based on her looks (“some of my best friends are blonde!”), but let’s be honest. Taylor is a superficial toolbag who needs to be smacked upside his narrowly-minded head.

I only hope my professor agrees.